NorthIs..⇡

First, the back story on the whole 2012 “Doomsday” idea that everyone is obligated to mention when the Mayan civilization comes up in casual conversation, usually like this:

Me: “Man, i wonder if the Mayans would be any good at video games.”

Everybody: “The Mayans predicted the world would end in 2012″.

Me: “i’m so impressed with your knowledge of ancient civilizations. Tell me more about them.”

Everybody: “Something about square pyramids….sacrifices….Mel Gibson….I don’t know anything about the Mayans”

Sound like a familiar conversation? If not, you’re not spending enough time wondering about hypothetical virtual hand-eye coordination of ancient civilizations often enough. i digress….

This brings me to the actual meat and potatoes of the 2012 Doomsday date. Here’s what you need to know if you want to be the guy everybody goes to with questions about this specific subject – you know this will come in handy at a party.

1. Mayans were obsessed with the idea of ‘time’. Answer to the most serious questions about war, seasons, religion, and life were often interpreted from calenders  by  religious leaders. Time was such a prescient subject that everyone was named after the date they were born on; no this isn’t weird, just think of today’s celebrities and the shitty names they give their young.

2. Mayans were aware of the number zero. Good for them, Fear of zero is a sign you will be a strong civilization!

3. Mayans had a variety of important calenders, three of which were very important:

• Tzolkin calender – 260 day year, based on gestation period for pregnant female
• Haab calender – agrarian calender with 18 months of 20 days, and 5 day month of bad luck (365 days total for readers who can’t multiply and add)
• Long Count calender – i’ll explain this below. (you’ll know the truth when the time is right)

4. Mayans are superstitious of the number zero like Scientologists are superstitious of Thetans.

Why so important? Every 52 years they coincide. It was expected that the world would end at the completion of a 52-year cycle. I told you they were superstitious. Here’s what they believed would happen:

At this time, among the Mexica in the Valley of Mexico, all fires were extinguished, pregnant women were locked up lest they be turned into wild animals, children were pinched to keep them awake so that they would not turn into mice, and all pottery was broken in preparation for the end of the world. In the event the gods decided to grant man another 52 years of life on earth, however, a night time ceremony was held in which the populace followed the priests through the darkness over a causeway to the top of an old extinct volcano that rises abruptly from the floor of the basin of Mexico, known today as the Hill of the Star, the hill above Ixtapalapa. There, with all eyes on the stars, they awaited the passage of the Pleiades across the center of the heavens, which would announce the continuation of the world for another 52 years. When the precise moment came, a victim was quickly sacrificed by making a single gash in his chest and extracting the still palpitating heart. In the gory cavity the priests, with a fire drill, kindled a new flame that was quickly carried by torches across the lake to the temple in Tenochititlan, and from there to all temples and villages around the lake. This was known as the New Fire Ceremony among the Mexica, and in some way this same completion and renewal of each 52-year cycle was recognized by all Mesoamericans.¹

The Mayans are no more batshit crazy than today’s fundamentalist rapture-loving Christians. This also explains what was going on in Apocolypto:

Yes, you are welcome for that awesome video.

What’s the best way to avoid the above from happening? invent a new random calender with the purpose of being a long ass calender. Known as the “Long Count”. this calender has 13 “months” that are each 394 years long. except february, which is 28 days. (drum…drum…symbol….no laughter). There, now the Mayans don’t have to worry about all the calenders alligning, because it will take forever to happen. Well, not forever, it will take 5,126 years after all the caleders are initiated…which happend August 13, 3114 B.C.

Conclusion: all three calenders will allign at “day zero” on December 21, 2012, right at the same time my inredible “Jason’s Incredible End of the Fucking World Party” starts at 9pm, BYOB, hopefully Hannah Montana is still cool by then because she’s all over my party mix…..i digress again, which brings me to today’s news.

From National Geographic: Magnetic-Shield Cracks Found; Big Solar Storms Expected

An unexpected, thick layer of solar particles inside Earth’s magnetic field suggests there are huge breaches in our planet’s solar defenses, scientists said.These breaches indicate that during the next period of high solar activity, due to start in 2012, Earth will experience some of the worst solar storms seen in decades.

But the winds also trigger storms that can interfere with satellites’ power sources, endanger spacewalkers, and even knock out power grids on Earth.

“The sequence we’re expecting … is just right to put particles in and energize them to create the biggest geomagnetic storms, the brightest auroras, the biggest disturbances in Earth’s radiation belts,” said David Sibeck, a space-weather expert at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland.

“So if all of this is true, it should be that we’re in for a tough time in the next 11 years.”

ONe might ask t he Mayan why, if they can arbitrarily create a “Long Count” calender for the purpose of never reaching zero, they wouldn’t avoid the whole doomsday scenario and just make the calender NOT HAVE THE NUMBER ZERO on it. dumbasses. *high five* *high five* *shotgun beer*

1. Weaver, Muriel Porter. The Aztecs, Maya, and their Predecessors. (1972) Seminar Press, p.103-4